I’m having an affair with the Whole Foods salad bar

Fresh, trembling veggies. Exotic pastas. Savory salad dressings. Glistening cubes of moist mozzarella cheese. Melt-in-your-mouth orzo, tastier than hot fudge on a warm summer’s day. Ripe, round olives, as far as the eye can see. Oh, Whole Foods, I love you.

top ten things that are pissing me off today

1. It is disgusting outside.

2. It is 4:30pm, I am wearing a stained T shirt and pajamas, and have no will to change.

3. I have a throbbing, pulsating zit on my forehead.

4. My computer is working at a glacial pace, and randomly loses Internet connectivity at inopportune times.

5. I’m pretty sure I smell funny.

6. My house is a mess and smells of moist feet.

7. My bank of america savings account, which I have not used in well over a year, suddenly became overdrawn for no apparent reason, by $4.12. I tried to rectify this, and was on hold for a half hour, only to be hung up on by a Southern bimbette named Dawnee.

8. I was a half-hour late for a meeting yesterday and, in my haste, managed to pull into a parking spot in immense haste and scrape my car against a large powder-blue Oldsmobile. Now my pristine yellow Matrix has a gigantic blue streak across it.

8. My lovely fellow blogger Sara’s paperwork for Lola went missing from her mailbox, from which I was supposed to retrieve said paperwork but couldn’t due to being late (see above post), and now someone has her tax forms, for which I feel responsible, even though of course it was not I who took her things.

9. I haven’t been to the gym in well over a week and I look like a bloated sea creature.

10. I’m running out of Zoloft (can’t you tell?) and I don’t have a psychiatrist here who can prescribe me more, so I’m precisely seven pills away from total insanity.

Ain’t life grand?

Ode to my chin hairs

I just discovered that I have not one, not two, but three thick, coarse hairs jutting from my chin. Usually I tend to these unsightly monsters before they get out of control. But my personal hygiene and physical appearance have both gone down the shitter of late, and now I’m a Tweezer or two from turning into a mountain man.